All around the country, schools are beginning the final quarter of the year aware that as people say, “we’re in the home-stretch.” Even though the trees outside my window are draped in a cottony-white snow, it’s spring and we are in the final two months of the school year. We will do everything we can do to keep students focused on the work in front of them and encourage them to finish strong; they, however, will be fixated on the sunny days outside the window and the upcoming summer break.
While this holds true for all of our students, it is particularly germane for our seniors as they wind down. We want them to concentrate on their classes and not blow off the work they have remaining: they wish to Facebook with their new college roommates, look at the course catalogs to choose their first semester classes, and not be bothered with the final two months of high school. At this point, we need to make sure that they finish well, but we also need to be cognizant that they’re in another place mentally.
Thus, those of us who work with and parent high school students should be asking ourselves what we have done to prepare our students for the life of college. Beyond the academic preparation we have given them, we must consider whether we have provided them with the personal toolbox they will need to be successful in the next phase of their lives. Will they be able to handle the transition to college in all facets? We can hope that they will they be better off than my roommates from my freshman year in college, all of whom were more than capable of handling the workload; nevertheless, three out of the four flunked out, and the fourth colleague made it only after I carried him to the hospital where he spent a day in the De-Tox Ward and then entered AA. I also recall the story one of our recent alumni told us of the young man who was asked to leave their highly ranked college when he became so drunk that he stole the gun of a security guard and shot up a bathroom in his dorm.
These questions and these memories came to me again as I watched interviews with family psychologist Dr. Wendy Mogel, author of The Blessings of a Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children and most recently The Blessings of a B-: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Resilient Teenagers. In easy-to-understand language, Mogel advises parents to allow their children to make mistakes and yes, even fail at a young age, so they can learn how to survive the difficulties that they will face later in life. Mogel’s latest book offers many lessons, including the following (some of which may be controversial):
1. Bizarre teen behavior, so annoyingly not in line with your dreams and plans, is a sign that your teenager’s unique personality is unfolding.
2. Teenage rudeness is a paradox. It lets you know that your teen is trying desperately to separate from you and that your are the "safe" person who can receive their frustration with not yet being all grown up.
3. One of the ways teens learn about the importance of hard work is by suffering the consequences of their procrastination and laziness.
4. Materialism and self-centeredness are normal during this period of rapid and shifting identity. Just as a pregnant woman focuses inward, adolescents are preoccupied as they give birth to themselves.
5. When teens break the rules, or even the law, it is often because they aren't satisfied with a merely rote knowledge of our ethical system. They want to know if adults mean what they say.
6. Teens getting into hot water provides an excellent opportunity for learning self-reliance: how to solve problems and how to mine difficult circumstances for their benefits.
7. Staying up late is sometimes a teenager’s shot at independence, and goofing around is a way to ease the stresses of growing up.
8. Finally, limited experimentation with alcohol, physical intimacy, and even drugs teaches teens how to regulate these powerful experiences and keep themselves safe while they are still under your guidance.
Knowing why teenagers act as they do does not excuse their behavior, but it does explain it. Not everyone will concur with all of Mogel’s tips, but we can agree that we must help our students learn how to handle independence and how to make decisions when they are out of our sight. As our seniors prepare to leave, we wish them the best and we hope that they will be resilient in the face of adversity.
