A recent column by New York Times science writer Jane Brody, linked here, reminded me of the difficulty of parenting children as we try to give them guidance while, at the same time, encouraging their independence and helping them find their own way. As parents, we have hopes and dreams for our children, and we do all we can to help them realize those dreams. However, we sometimes forget that our children have their own dreams which may have nothing in common with our own aspirations for them. In some cases, even if they wanted to achieve our dreams for them, they may be unable to do so.
Brody says, “Contrary to what some parents might believe or hope for, children are not born a blank slate. Rather, they come into the world with predetermined abilities, proclivities and temperaments that nurturing parents may be able to foster or modify, but can rarely reverse.” I remember my older brother telling me, as my wife and I eagerly anticipated the birth of our first child, of the initial time he heard his toddler laughing in a room by herself; at that moment, he realized that she had a whole life and sense of humor that existed completely outside of himself. As parents, we know that our children are independent, but it can cause us difficulties as they demonstrate this to us. We don’t want them to close any future doors, but they are discovering their own likes and dislikes and these may conflict with our visions for their future.
Often when I have met with frustrated parents of high school students who wish their children’s grades would be higher, they say something like, “We don’t expect her to get straight A’s; we know that she struggles in history, but we expect her to do better in English since that’s her first love.” When I ask them if they have told their child that, they say, “Of course not. That would give her permission to do poorly in history.” I then try to explain to them that their expectations need to be tied to who their child is, rather than to any other young person. More often than not, they agree and after a heart-to-heart talk with their child, things may improve.
Brody says, “The goal of parenting should be to raise children with a healthy self-image and self-esteem, ingredients vital to success in school and life. That means accepting children the way they are born -- gay or straight, athletic or cerebral, gentle or tough, highly intelligent or less so, scrawny or chubby, shy or outgoing, good eaters or picky ones.” This does not mean that anything goes; on the contrary, we may have to be even clearer that the expectations we have for our children are tied to their unique personalities and their individual potentialities. The promise we see in each child is a direct result of who he or she is. This also does not mean that we may not be sad at first when we realize that our children may be different than the hopes we held for them; it does call for us, though, to be cognizant of their own personhood and the possibly limited role we may play in the adults they will become.
Years ago, I had a colleague whose family had a high rate of significant hearing loss. Almost all of her nieces and nephews had difficulty hearing, and some had a hard time speaking as well. She had an essay hanging on her wall called, “Welcome to Holland.” This short essay asks parents to imagine all their lives that they had dreamed of a trip to Italy; however, once they were on the plane they learned that they were actually headed to Holland. As the essay says, “It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.”
This is a wonderful metaphor: having a child who may be born differently than we dreamed means the loss of one dream, but it can also open up for us another equally exciting world. Raising children is the most difficult and the most rewarding thing we can do with our lives; it can be all the more meaningful when we can help our children become the people they were meant to be, rather than the people we had hoped they would become, perhaps even before they were born.
