Like other administrators and parents, I have wrestled with the concept of bullying over the past few years. It seems that every other day we read in the media of a child who has suffered at the hands of her peers and has decided to take drastic action. Whether it’s a girl in Missouri who commits suicide after experiencing cyber-bullying by the mother of a schoolmate or a young man in California who comes to school with a gun to kill classmates he felt were bullying him, it may seem as though bullying has reached epic proportions in our country.
As a part of my work, I meet with prospective parents to answer their questions about our school. This is something I enjoy and eagerly anticipate. Interestingly, but not surprisingly, the number of questions about how our school deals with bullying has skyrocketed these past few years. Some forms of bullying parents allude to occur in cyberspace and some happen in the actual, physical world; however, the concerns underlying their queries are the same. They are afraid for their kids.
It is with this ever-present issue confronting me that I welcomed the new book by Slate writer Emily Bazelon. In full disclosure, I have been a fan of Bazelon’s for years now, ever since I began listening to her podcast, the weekly “Political Gabfest” on Slate. Bazelon’s book arrived with quite a bit of fanfare, including a book review and op-ed piece in The New York Times and a round of interviews in various magazines. Her book called Sticks and Stones: Defeating the Culture of Bullying and Rediscovering the Power of Character and Empathy is the hot book of the moment since it touches a nerve for so many people.
While I have not bought the book yet, I have read articles, listened to interviews with Bazelon, and read a recent piece in The New York Times, which we’ve linked here. In this essay, Bazelon argues for an approach to bullying that combines concern with common sense. For example, Bazelon exhorts us to define bullying in a way that prevents the overuse, and ultimately the minimization, of the term. She offers the following advice for defining bullying: “The definition of bullying adopted by psychologists is physical or verbal abuse, repeated over time, and involving a power imbalance. In other words, it’s about one person with more social status lording it over another person, over and over again, to make him miserable.”
In no way do I minimize the ill effects of bullying. All of us have seen the horrible and life-altering impact of bullying in our society, and to ignore it or pretend that it does not exist would be irresponsible and negligent. However, as Bazelon says, “But when every bad thing that happens to children gets called bullying, we end up with misleading narratives that obscure other distinct forms of harm.” If we call every act of teen conflict “bullying,” then we lose the ability to identify and address bullying when it actually occurs. The word “bullying” carries huge baggage for the bullied and the bully, and it’s imperative that, to paraphrase a former Supreme Court judge’s ruling on the issue of obscenity, we “know it when [we] see it.”
For children who may feel like they have suffered at the hands of thier peers, we need to give them the language to name what has happened to them and the tools to fight it. Similarly, for children who have been accused of bullying, we need them to understand what they have done and how to stop doing it. Here again to quote Bazelon, “And the “bully” label carries a stigma that’s hard for a child to escape. It makes a child seem permanently heartless, rather than capable of feeling empathy, which almost all are...Crying wolf about bullying isn’t good for the children who play the victim, either. Those who hold onto that identity are less likely to recover from adversity. Bullying victims need sympathy; they also need help learning to be resilient.”
Note that Bazelon’s definition of bullying includes a “power imbalance” and a pattern of repeated behavior. Unfortunately, this does happen in and out of schools all too often, and we need to address it when we see it. However, as Bazelon recommends, we need to be clear on what is bullying and what is adolescent turmoil; it is only when we have clarity that we can help our students and children problem-solve in a way that enables them to be actors rather spectators in their own destiny. Part of growing up for children is having arguments and conflicts with their peers as they attempt to figure out who they are in comparison to their friends and schoolmates, and sadly, sometimes their behavior can descend into name-calling and ugly language. (Not that the arguments among adults don’t have the same elements at times. Is it fair to expect our teenage children to behave with more maturity than members of Congress or other prominent figures?)
As the adults in the lives of our children, we need to protect them from harm. President Obama said it well after the shooting at Newtown, Connecticut in December, “This is our first task, caring for our children. It's our first job. If we don't get that right, we don't get anything right. That's how, as a society, we will be judged.” When our children are in harm’s way, we need to intervene on their behalf. To do so effectively, though, we must be able to identify the threats in their lives, help them learn how to combat them, give them the necessary tools to be successful, and teach them how to be resilient in the face of frustration and difficulty. This is not to abandon them to their fates. It’s to aid them when they need it and teach them how to fight their own battles when they can. Only in this way, can they become the strong and confident young men and women we want them to be.
