As teachers and as parents, we are constantly engaged in the task of helping our students and children to develop positive habits. We know that much of what we do in life stems from the habits we have acquired, and if we can create good ones, we will have a greater chance of being successful in any realm. “Go to bed at a decent hour!” “Study daily rather than cramming at the last minute!” “Eat a good breakfast--it’s the most important meal of the day!” “Practice your verb conjugations!”
At the same time, we are also attempting to help our children eliminate any bad habits they may have adopted. We know that the longer our students maintain their bad habits, the more difficult it will be for them to break them. “Don’t bite your nails!” “Don’t just do your homework--do it well!” “Don’t take shortcuts!” All too often, we become frustrated when we see the young people in our lives seemingly stuck in a rut, like a car spinning its wheels in the snow, and they seem incapable of finding their way out.
In our age of constant media bombardment, perhaps one of the most important but also most overlooked habits for all of us to practice is good listening. Daniel Goleman, psychologist and author of the widely acclaimed Emotional Intelligence, recently posted a blog on the lost art of listening, linked here. Although Goleman focuses on the importance of listening for leaders, his points carry relevance for all of us.
At one point in his blog, Goleman discusses the lack of listening that occurs in the doctor’s examination room: “A classic study of doctors and patients asked people in the physician’s waiting room how many questions they had for their doctor. The average was around four. The number of questions they actually asked during that visit with their doctor turned out to be about one-and-a-half. The reason? Once the patient started talking, an average of 16 seconds or so, the doctor would cut them off and take over the conversation.”
Lest we think that doctors are unique, one can see the rapidly deteriorating practice of listening everywhere. We are constantly under assault by competitors for our attention. It feels like every few seconds, there’s a ping announcing a new email text or tweet on our phone, and each of them feels like an uncompromising master demanding an immediate response. In any job that requires interacting with others, there’s always someone asking, “Got a minute?” When we are constantly multi-tasking and dealing with the crisis du jour, how can we find time to listen?
According to Goleman, though, the art of listening is crucial for everyone. “And yet it is in the moments of total attention that interpersonal chemistry occurs. This is when what we say has the most impact, when we can come up with the most fruitful ideas and collaborations, when negotiations and brainstorms are most productive.” Failure to listen prevents us from achieving our full potential as individuals and as groups collectively. If we don’t take the time to listen when our ideas are challenged, we fall short of the exciting things we could accomplish; even worse, we may actually make bad decisions as group think sets in. While the benefits of listening would seem to be common sense, our busy lives force us to forego those benefits and often proceed with little thought or planning.
Goleman posits that good listening is another form of habitual behavior that can improve with practice. First, we need to become aware of the bad habits that preclude our listening well. Secondarily, we must look for those situations where we should be listening with full attention but are not doing so. As Goleman says, “The key is being mindful of those moments in your day when you have a naturally occurring opportunity to practice good listening. Most often those moments go by unnoticed and we launch into our old, bad habits…Mindfulness is the secret ingredient in successful habit change.”
I know many teachers who actually help their students develop the habit of good listening as part of the curriculum. Unfortunately, many students see this listening practice as something that is done only in class and has no relevance outside of those school situations. It then falls to all of us, parents and teachers, to help our young adults practice good listening in a variety of situations so they will see the importance and transferability of this skill. This will help them to become better students and better people who will have full access to the many great ideas around them.
