Teaching Children How to Be a Friend

A wonderful yet sometimes painful element of being an educator or a parent/guardian of adolescents is watching children negotiate their friendships.  In the world of teens, friendships can be a source of comfort, but they can also be turbulent affairs; sometimes a seemingly innocuous comment or act can cause a reaction of a magnitude that is completely disproportionate to the original intent. 

As adults, we sometimes think of friendship as a concept that comes naturally or is organic, and we may not pay enough attention to actually teaching children how to be a friend.  I thought of this as I read a recent column in The New York Times by Bruce Feiler, “How to Be a Friend in Deed.”  In this piece, Feiler asked several writers for advice on how to be a friend in the era of cyberspace when people may sometimes mistake their online communication as acts of succor or intimacy, but they may actually have little or no impact. 

Feiler focuses on several ways that people can support friends when they are going through a difficult time.  For example, he recommends being proactive and doing something for a friend rather than saying, “‘Let me know if there’s anything you need.’ While well meaning, this gesture unintentionally shifts the obligation to the aggrieved. Instead of offering ‘anything,’ just do something.” 

Feiler also advises people to make plans with their friends who are suffering, so they don’t feel alone. All too often, someone experiencing hardship already feels isolated, and there needs to be even greater effort to ensure that they are not lonely.  He also counsels avoiding “happy talk” that may feel cliche or shallow to someone who is feeling down. 

An important lesson we can impart to our children is that even when they don’t know what to say, it’s crucial to let their friends know that they are there for them.  All too often, children may say, “There’s nothing I can say to make it better.” That may be true, but we need to teach them that saying nothing can, in fact, make things worse. 

Feiler even discusses, with input from writer Meghan Daum, the benefit of sometimes changing the subject when speaking with a friend who is in the dumps. "Ms. Daum agrees, saying that often the best response to a friend having troubles is to share a bit of your own troubles. 'When someone is vulnerable with you, it seems only polite to be at least a little bit vulnerable back,' she said. If someone says, ‘Sometimes I regret every one of my life choices,’ don’t just stand there nodding smugly. Volunteer your own regrets. Everyone has them.'”

Finally, Feiler counsels using social media judiciously.  Some people advocate not being on social media at all, while others see the possible benefits of sites like Facebook or Twitter.  Feiler concludes by saying, “If there is a common theme, it’s that while technology does offer support, many still crave the real thing. Crisis is a test of friendship, and success, in this case, is measured in intimacy. ‘We always imagine that those in trouble go into another zone,’ Mr. de Botton (Swiss writer and philosopher Alain de Botton) said, ‘That they are no longer human. But they remain who they always were. Stop being so darn strange just because Mom died or I have cancer. It’s the same old me.’”

Everyday, I witness the young women and men of Bosque demonstrate beautiful acts of friendship, and I see them grapple with the challenges that are inherent in all relationships. Their generosity and courage make me proud and hopeful. However, I am also fully aware that teenage friendships are fraught with complexities and hurt feelings, and the social life of middle and high school students can sometimes feel like a 17th century minuet where people constantly change partners but also periodically re-engage with their original companion.  If, as parents, teachers, and advisors, we can help them gracefully navigate this dance, we may be able to help them be better friends and happier people.