College Acceptances and Our Children’s Self Worth

During the next couple of weeks, many of our seniors will learn where they will be going to college next year, and we hope that they receive the news for which they are wishing. Many of us parents can recall how stressful this time of year was when we were young, and it’s only increased over the past 20 years.  However, it’s important to bear in mind there are many, many excellent colleges and universities; our students can be proud of all that they have accomplished, regardless of the news they receive. 

All too often, students and families can become caught up in the view that middle school is merely a way station to high school, and high school is merely a stopover on the way to college.  As I have often said here at Bosque, each phase has its own inherent worth and is not just a filler until the next opportunity comes along.  The three years of middle school are a time for children to experience early adolescence personally, socially, and intellectually. The four years of high school enable young women and men to form their identities as budding scholars, as socially active and politically-minded citizens, as responsible members of a community, and as people of integrity.  The work that middle school and high school students do during these seven years is vital and formative, and is much more than mere preparation for college.  This is crucial to bear in mind as our seniors receive emails and envelopes, fat or thin, in the mail. 

Similarly, as parents we often tell our children, “You get out of life what you put into it.” This is as true of college as it is in other areas.  This past Sunday, New York Times columnist Frank Bruni had a touching and important column, "How to Survive the College Admissions Madness," on the need for perspective in the college admissions process.  He exhorted parents to realize that the process is often flawed and imperfect and that an acceptance or rejection from a school should not be “seen as the conclusive measure of a young person’s worth.”

In these economically challenging times, and with the cost of college skyrocketing, it is all too easy to succumb to brand hysteria and to think that there is one perfect college for each child. However, to paraphrase what one of our alumni said two years ago after her first semester attending an elite college on the East Coast, “I now realize that I could have attended nine or ten other colleges and been just as happy, since it’s what I bring to the college that matters.” This alumna encouraged our college counselors to talk to students about not getting hung up on only going to one college or one type of university.  As parents we know this intuitively, but do we also communicate it to our children? 

In addition to succumbing to brand hysteria, we may lose sight of the true purpose of college, in the fear of our children incurring massive debt.  This is perfectly understandable in today’s economy.  However, we may be doing our children a disservice if we teach them only the financially utilitarian side of a post-secondary education. 

As Bruni says, “Yet there’s a frenzy to get into the Stanfords of the world, and it seems to grow ever crazier and more corrosive. It’s fed by many factors, including contemporary America’s exaltation of brands and an economic pessimism that has parents determined to find and give their kids any and every possible leg up.  And it yields some bitter fruits, among them a perversion of higher education’s purpose and potential. College is a singular opportunity to rummage through and luxuriate in ideas, to realize how very large the world is and to contemplate your desired place in it. And that’s lost in the admissions mania, which sends the message that college is a sanctum to be breached — a border to be crossed — rather than a land to be inhabited and tilled for all that it’s worth.”

As Bruni makes so clear, we need to let our children (and they are still children) know that we love and cherish them no matter what College X or Y University tells them. Bruni does this particularly well by including a moving letter from two parents to their child on the eve of his receiving his college acceptances or rejections. It is important to bear in mind that seniors are more than their college acceptances; they will end up doing good work and being great people regardless of where they spend their next few years.