Like parents in years past, we want the best for our children. We want them to be successful in life, and in whatever they choose to study, and we hope they will be prepared for whatever comes their way. We want them to have the skills to negotiate any situation while knowing that no one can predict every possibility. This is the foundation for our parenting, and it’s why we work so hard and we lose sleep at night.
However, what if in our well-intentioned efforts, we actually send the wrong message to our children and consequently exacerbate the stress they’re already feeling? (Disclaimer here—as a parent, in addition to being an educator, I am in no way immune from making all the misjudgments I discuss in this blog.) I thought about this as I read a column sent me to by a fellow Bosque parent. This piece, “5 Things That Stress Us Out in High School,” was written by a high school freshman, Alexa Jankowsky. In it, she lists five items that parents should bear in mind:
- “Everything counts, so do everything ‘right.’
- Also, be the ‘best.’
- We worry about disappointing you.
- We need more sleep (seriously).
- We don’t have enough (any) me time.”
Many times over the past few decades, when I have spoken with parents about expectations for their children, they have said something like, “I don’t expect her to get straight A’s, but I do want her to give her best” or “I know that he doesn’t do well in a certain subject, so I don’t expect him to get an A; but I know that he loves a different subject, and I do think he can do well in that one.”
When I ask the parents if they have shared this thinking with their child, they will say, “Of course not, I don’t want her to slack off.” I have then tried to explain that as parents, we need to be honest with our children and recognize their strengths and challenges, so they know that our expectations are geared toward their individual personalities.
Similarly, we need to bear in mind that our actions, and even unspoken words, may send much stronger messages than what we intend. In the past, I have heard teens express a sense of confusion in terms of the messages they receive from their parents. For example, they will explain that their parents say it’s not all about the grades, and comment, “But then the first thing they ask me when I get in the car or I arrive home is, ‘What did you get on the test you took today?’ ”
Often when students talk about these matters, the conversation is accompanied by tears as they explain that the last thing they want to do is disappoint their parents. Obviously, we want to show our children we care deeply about them and how they’re doing, but completely unintentionally, we may convey the opposite of what we say or even what we believe.
So, what can we learn from Alexa Jankowsky? Maybe the number one lesson for parents is, “It’s all about the timing.” It’s not that we shouldn’t be present in the lives of our children; that is our responsibility as parents. However, how we do this may require constant balancing and calibrating. As we all know, the hardest job in the world—parenting—doesn’t come with a manual or a “how-to” guide.
In closing, here is a personal anecdote on how NOT to do this, so maybe you can benefit from one of my mistakes. Several years ago, our younger son had just finished a club basketball game where he had not shot particularly well. He looked at me as we walked to the parking lot and said, “Well, that’s the worst shooting game I’ve ever had.” In my desire to help him have a sense of perspective and not beat himself up too badly, I responded, “That’s not true, you’ve shot worse in other games.” He stared at me with a dumbfounded expression and said, “Well, that was not very helpful.” Like I said, it’s all in the timing.
