A couple of weeks ago, I wrote on how we as parents can help our children deal with their emotionally frustrating times and experiences by listening when they come to us. Sometimes, our children want us to aid them in solving a problem; at other times, they may merely want to vent and be heard. In that column, I quoted from a piece written by child psychologist Lisa Damour.
Just this week, a Bosque parent sent me another blog post by Damour, “When Your Child’s Friend Is in Crisis,” that could be helpful during those times when our children may want our guidance. One of the most difficult situations we face is when our children come to speak with us about a friend of theirs who may be in some kind of trouble. Very often when our children decide to let us in on what is happening with a friend, it may be that the situation has reached a point where they do not know what else to do or where else to go. Consequently, the problem may have been present for a while, but we’re just learning about it now.
As with her previous column, Damour mixes analysis with helpful advice. In this piece, she outlines a series of steps to remember as we enter the thicket of adolescent friendships. We need to bear in mind that if we’re not careful, we can actually exacerbate the situation for our children and their friends, or we can damage the relationship we have with our own children. Damour outlines the following tips to bear in mind:
- Begin by offering reassurance—let your child know that he made the right decision in coming to you.
- Extend empathy—let your child know that you empathize with her as she wrestles with a friend’s dilemma.
- Move forward together—discuss the next steps with your child instead of leaping to call his friend’s parents.
- Prepare your teenager for resistance—let your child know that her friend may resist going to a parent or someone else for help.
As we know about parenting in general, it is the most rewarding and most difficult responsibility we will ever have, and there are not really any user manuals that accompany the birth of our children. In addition, the “job” of teaching and guiding our children changes as they develop and mature. It is a constant work in progress. Part of our work entails helping them learn how to be good friends who are there for others, and letting them know that “a friend in need is a friend indeed” and “in deed.”
